We often feel like we need to answer, “I’m fine” and have a very put together life, at least on the outside. As Christians we sometimes feel this even more so as our lives should point towards Jesus, who was, of course, perfect. Nadia Bolz-Weber refers to this as the “long and rich Christian tradition which in Latin is called ‘totally faking it.’” It seems like we expect this even more so of pastors and other Christian leaders. And, of course, missionaries.
Think about it. You’re at church and you are surrounded by perfect looking people. Though the Bible says we’re all sinners. The truth is that you have your own personal struggles. You might share them with your close friends and family but you don’t want the entire church to know! Yet, each and every person in that church is imperfect. No one actually has it all together. I do believe this ritual of “faking it” is slowly being taken down as more and more people desire authentic and truthful and messy relationships. But it’s exhausting to live with that mess. Both your own and others. But that’s the great thing about this thing we call community. We share the load together.
So, today I’m going to share a bit of my mess with you. I know you’re strong enough to handle it and our relationship wouldn’t be authentic if you only got to share my joys and not some of the struggles.
This week I’ve come to realize that I’m struggling with anxiety. Full fledged clinical anxiety. Most people realize this when they have a panic attack or two. Luckily I’m a smart girl and realized just before I started to have the panic attacks. Being a teacher and having a lack of medical services for mental health issues, I immediately turned to Dr. Google. (This is the modern day missionary's best friend. Forget the book, Where There Is No Doctor! Dr. Google has everything and easier to find - if you have power and internet!). The nature of anxiety is that it’s hard to pin point what is making you anxious. So I started with educating myself about how to cope with it. Positive social interactions, exercise, and journaling seemed to be some recommendations from my online doctor. I cleared my work schedule as much as I could for the rest of this week and spent some time with some missionary friends who are very encouraging. I made myself exercise (a simple walk with the family, taking the kids swimming with a friend). These are easier said than done as you don’t really feel like exercising when you can’t breathe. I feel my anxiety in the tightness of my chest and not being able to get a full breath. Because I have had mild asthma all my life it feels like a constant asthma attack.
I journaled some of my little stresses which turned into a surprisingly long list! Most of them are cultural stresses that I can do nothing about except learn to cope with them better. I suspect I’ve been coping with them for the last two and a half years but then the weight of it all finally started to squeeze. I’m trying not to think of the stresses of moving from here back to our life in Canada in July, as that would add another list just as long as this one, but it probably has something to do with why I’m feeling these stresses more these days. Here are a few I’ll share with you:
Ones I’ve been coping with for a long time:
-wearing a skirt when out of the house
-load shedding (our electricity is off 8-11 hours a day, every day. Though I’m happy to report this does seem to have lessened this week but there’s no guarantee it will last).
-social anxiety: constant requests from both strangers and all levels of friends and work colleagues for things that are beyond my control.
-church: my kids don’t enjoy sitting still and did I mention the skirt....
-the education system in Zambia: though I’ve seen a positive change in the last couple years there is so much more to be done as a teacher mentor. Maybe more of a stress as I realize I’m running out of time to have an influence.
Some new ones:
-some turmoil in town recently where the police used tear gas to disperse a crowd. Just because a political leader passed through town and people congregated to see him. So there’s anxiety that more of this sort of thing will happen as the elections are in August 2016.
-thinking of our move back to Canada, where we have no house, no job, no car and a lot of uncertainties. (I’m keeping it to one line for now!)
-(this is seasonal): with rainy season comes high grass alongside the roads and the inability to see around corners for oncoming vehicles - especially anxiety creating as many of the roads I travel are one lane dirt paths. It’s also harder to see animals jump out in front of you.
Things that are outside my control and might not actually even happen:
- with the lack of rains, the village crops are not doing well and will need a longer rainy season as it’s started very late. (Though the last few years the rains have ended early). I’m already worrying about having even more of the constant requests and the guilt that comes with not being able to help everyone. Especially in a real crisis.
So I’m taking it one day at a time, one week at a time. That’s what I can handle right now. I’m fortunate in that I have a great support system in missionary friends and my MCC Zambia family who are helping me on this path. I’m making a plan to exercise and eat well. To use my social support and to do activities I enjoy.
Your prayers and encouragements are always welcome. And if you are struggling through something: whether anxiety or something completely different. Know you are not alone. Today I'm sharing my mess.
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