The Scenic Route of Anxiety

One of the roads to a school.

(Anxiety)”It’s definitely not nothing. It’s the indescribable fear of nothing.” (Humans of New York)
It’s been a few weeks since my first post and I wanted to update ya’ll with how things are going and some of my thoughts as I’ve been processing and reflecting on my anxiety these last few weeks.
It started back on Feb. 2nd with panic attacks. In my last blog I thought I had caught the anxiety before the panic attacks but looking back I realize that I did have a couple of panic attacks that day. It was strange as I had just had an amazing time at Nakeempa school the day before working with the Grade 1 teacher there. So, it felt like it hit out of the blue.

All the small stresses I listed all add up but as I spent time digging deeper and reading whatever I could find and saw a piece about Culture Stress and I had an “AHA” moment!
“Culture Stress is the stress that occurs when you change to a different way of living in a new culture. It is what you experience as you move beyond understanding the culture to making it your own so that you accept the customs, becoming comfortable and at home with them. If you are trying to become a real part of the culture, to become bicultural, you are likely to experience culture stress as you assimilate some of the conventions to the point that they feel natural to you..... Those trying to become an integral part of the national community are the ones who experience the greatest culture stress.... Culture stress is the adjustment stage in which people accept the new environment, adopting new ways of thinking and doing things so that they feel like they belong to the new culture. This takes years, and some cross-cultural workers never complete it. This may go on and on.” (from ebook: What Cross Cultural Workers Ought to Know: A Handbook for Life and Service, by: Ronald L. Koteskey). 

I have really gotten in deep with the schools and feel like I have assimilated as much as I will ever be able to without changing my skin colour and being fluent in ChiTonga. I’m at the point where I can show up at any of my 8 schools and walk into any classroom and be accepted warmly and gladly at any time and any day. Especially with preschool to Grade 4 classroom teachers. I know what is expected of me and it feels very natural to me.

The article continues with, “What causes culture stress?” And the one about values resonated with me, “Values. The greater the differences in values between your home culture and your host culture, the greater the stress.... Cultures may appear similar on the surface but have broad differences in deeper values.” (Read full article in the ebook at www.crossculturalworkers.com - it’s free to download).

After another week of reflecting on this I came up with two values that are causing me extreme culture stress. The first, I feel I could adapt with and be fine with now that I’ve processed it. This is the difference of time management and efficiency. In North American culture we say “time is money” and I can think of a million and one ways to help the teachers manage their classroom time more efficiently so they have more teaching time, but it would be somewhat counter productive. I can get a routine going with a teacher so handing out 65 exercise books to 65 students could only take 5 minutes instead of 30 minutes but the reality is that the teacher has such a dictated way of teaching, spelled out for them by the board office, and if s/he veers off course and takes time to plan a creative and engaging lesson with the extra time, s/he could face a superior coming in and telling them s/he are not doing it “right.” I’ve been here long enough that I could embrace and get used to this value and enjoy the slower pace of life.

The biggest clash in values is in how children are treated in Zambian culture. It’s a very hierarchal system, especially in schools, with a clear line of who is in charge and who you need to pay respect to. Children are on the bottom. Compared to this meme I saw on facebook that sums up our North American value of children, “Once you bring kids into the world, it’s not about you anymore.”  It’s two extremes of a pendulum and I’m caught in the middle.

And it’s a justice issue for me as I see the cycle of poverty and I know getting a good education can be one of the main factors in breaking out of that cycle.

My family and I went to Lusaka Feb. 15-19 and I got a break. In Lusaka I don’t have to deal with the cultural issues that I deal with day in and day out here in Choma. I felt my body recovering and it was similar to an adrenaline crash, feeling tired and trembling. We’ve been back in Choma for a week now and as the days progress I have felt my anxiety building during that time. I’m officially on a stress leave so I’m able to take the time and rest, be with my family, and exercise. Though the anxiety feels like it’s building it’s no where close to what it was when we left for Lusaka. I’m fortunate to have support both here in Zambia: missionary friends and MCC family as well as across the ocean: friends and family. I am also able to see a counsellor once a week via Skype. (Technology is awesome!)

This last week I’ve had a strong desire to “fight or flight” because of the anxiety and panic.  In Lusaka, I had someone tell me you shouldn’t make a choice unless there are at least three options. So I added wait / be patient to my list. It’s nice knowing I can embrace the anxiety and just rest, like my body is telling me to do, (since I’m on stress leave) and I don’t have to make the decision to stay or leave Zambia yet.  After my counseling session yesterday I changed my option of “wait” to “manage the anxiety” and the counsellor was impressed with the different things I’ve already been using to cope and she added a few more for me to practice this week. I highly recommend the book, “Sitting Still Like A Frog: Mindfulness Exercises for Kids (and their parents)” by Eline Snel. It’s been the best tool I’ve been using for coping so far. (Thanks to my MCC family member Jan for lending me the book!) I recommend it for all parents to use with your kids too! (Ages 5-12 probably best but some things you could easily modify for younger kids).

Yesterday I was quite anxious, as usual when I know a counseling session is coming and it takes a bit to shake off the session afterwards too but today I’ve been feeling really good. I’ve noticed a trend that I’m relaxed in the mornings (and I have a bit of a routine which helps I’m sure!) and as the day progresses my anxiety gets worse.

I’m going to end with this quote I found while reading the book “Searching For Sunday” by Rachel Held Evans, “The thing about healing, as opposed to curing, is that it is relational. It takes time. It is inefficient, like a meandering river. Rarely does healing follow a straight or well-lit path. Rarely does it conform to our expectations or resolve in a timely manner. Walking with someone through grief, or through the process of reconciliation, (or anxiety) requires patience, presence, and a willingness to wander, to take the scenic route.”

My kids biking on the road near our house. (Mochipapa Road)

You Make Me Brave

The Cape of Good Hope, South Africa

Thanks to my friend, Laurel Edwards, who gave me this CD from Bethel Music while I was in Canada last July! I remembered it a couple days ago and dug it out (I feared I had left it in Canada!)

Our family will be heading to Lusaka tomorrow (Monday) and back to Choma on Friday (most likely) for a bit of R&R and a couple medical appointments. Can you pray for safe travels and a very smooth, very boring (not stressful) trip!? On Thursday I couldn't get a breath thinking about leaving the house to go that far. After 24 hours of processing it I had an incredible peace about it. Lusaka has different stresses (mainly traffic!) but also offers lots of enjoyable relaxing and distracting activities.

You Make Me Brave (song lyrics)

I stand before You now
The greatness of your renown
I have heard of the majesty and wonder of you
King of Heaven, in humility, I bow

As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in

I have heard You calling my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore
Into Your grace
Your grace

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made
You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made


Read more: Bethel Music - You Make Me Brave Lyrics | MetroLyrics

At our MCC retreat south of Durban, South Africa

Storm Clouds!

We often feel like we need to answer, “I’m fine” and have a very put together life, at least on the outside. As Christians we sometimes feel this even more so as our lives should point towards Jesus, who was, of course, perfect. Nadia Bolz-Weber refers to this as the “long and rich Christian tradition which in Latin is called ‘totally faking it.’” It seems like we expect this even more so of pastors and other Christian leaders. And, of course, missionaries.

Think about it. You’re at church and you are surrounded by perfect looking people. Though the Bible says we’re all sinners. The truth is that you have your own personal struggles. You might share them with your close friends and family but you don’t want the entire church to know! Yet, each and every person in that church is imperfect. No one actually has it all together. I do believe this ritual of “faking it” is slowly being taken down as more and more people desire authentic and truthful and messy relationships. But it’s exhausting to live with that mess. Both your own and others. But that’s the great thing about this thing we call community. We share the load together.

So, today I’m going to share a bit of my mess with you. I know you’re strong enough to handle it and our relationship wouldn’t be authentic if you only got to share my joys and not some of the struggles.

This week I’ve come to realize that I’m struggling with anxiety. Full fledged clinical anxiety. Most people realize this when they have a panic attack or two. Luckily I’m a smart girl and realized just before I started to have the panic attacks. Being a teacher and having a lack of medical services for mental health issues, I immediately turned to Dr. Google. (This is the modern day missionary's best friend. Forget the book, Where There Is No Doctor! Dr. Google has everything and easier to find - if you have power and internet!). The nature of anxiety is that it’s hard to pin point what is making you anxious. So I started with educating myself about how to cope with it. Positive social interactions, exercise, and journaling seemed to be some recommendations from my online doctor. I cleared my work schedule as much as I could for the rest of this week and spent some time with some missionary friends who are very encouraging. I made myself exercise (a simple walk with the family, taking the kids swimming with a friend). These are easier said than done as you don’t really feel like exercising when you can’t breathe. I feel my anxiety in the tightness of my chest and not being able to get a full breath. Because I have had mild asthma all my life it feels like a constant asthma attack.

I journaled some of my little stresses which turned into a surprisingly long list! Most of them are cultural stresses that I can do nothing about except learn to cope with them better. I suspect I’ve been coping with them for the last two and a half years but then the weight of it all finally started to squeeze. I’m trying not to think of the stresses of moving from here back to our life in Canada in July, as that would add another list just as long as this one, but it probably has something to do with why I’m feeling these stresses more these days. Here are a few I’ll share with you:

Ones I’ve been coping with for a long time:
-wearing a skirt when out of the house
-load shedding (our electricity is off 8-11 hours a day, every day. Though I’m happy to report this does seem to have lessened this week but there’s no guarantee it will last).
-social anxiety: constant requests from both strangers and all levels of friends and work colleagues for things that are beyond my control.
-church: my kids don’t enjoy sitting still and did I mention the skirt....
-the education system in Zambia: though I’ve seen a positive change in the last couple years there is so much more to be done as a teacher mentor. Maybe more of a stress as I realize I’m running out of time to have an influence.

Some new ones:
-some turmoil in town recently where the police used tear gas to disperse a crowd. Just because a political leader passed through town and people congregated to see him. So there’s anxiety that more of this sort of thing will happen as the elections are in August 2016.
-thinking of our move back to Canada, where we have no house, no job, no car and a lot of uncertainties. (I’m keeping it to one line for now!)
-(this is seasonal): with rainy season comes high grass alongside the roads and the inability to see around corners for oncoming vehicles - especially anxiety creating as many of the roads I travel are one lane dirt paths. It’s also harder to see animals jump out in front of you.

Things that are outside my control and might not actually even happen:
- with the lack of rains, the village crops are not doing well and will need a longer rainy season as it’s started very late. (Though the last few years the rains have ended early). I’m already worrying about having even more of the constant requests and the guilt that comes with not being able to help everyone. Especially in a real crisis.

So I’m taking it one day at a time, one week at a time. That’s what I can handle right now. I’m fortunate in that I have a great support system in missionary friends and my MCC Zambia family who are helping me on this path. I’m making a plan to exercise and eat well. To use my social support and to do activities I enjoy.

Your prayers and encouragements are always welcome.  And if you are struggling through something: whether anxiety or something completely different. Know you are not alone. Today I'm sharing my mess.